Somehow this isn’t the first time we’ve had to talk about the 3DO company, despite being on Nintendo turf. Nor will it be the last! Thank you very much Trip Hawkins, you hack!
I gripe, but I actually have a pretty positive history with BattleTanx. More specifically I really enjoyed its sequel, Global Assault, on the N64. Arcadey fast-paced action with tanks that were uncharacteristically nimble, combined with plenty of environmental destruction and a completely bonkers post-apoc setting? That’s gotta be the future of 3D home gaming, baybee! Obviously we can’t do that on the Game Boy Color, but it’s already a pretty simple game, so I’m sure we can translate it back to 2D fairly e-yeah I can’t keep this up, sorry, this is garbage.
Let me at least absolve 3DO of the worst sins committed here beyond distributing the carts. This adaptation was created by Lucky Chicken Games, yet another company mostly formed around being a licensed game mill. I won’t pretend to know how they were put in contact with 3DO, but they banged this thing out in relatively short order and boy you can tell. It’s visually rough, with its only saving grace being that the buildings can still be blown up one slightly more damaged sprite at a time. The audio doesn’t do the game any favors either, as it’s repetitive and grating at all times.
In total contrast from the games it’s adapting, GBC BattleTanx is a snooze from start to finish. On the default difficulty every single enemy tank is solved the exact same way: ramming your cannon directly up their tailpipe and mashing. They literally cannot win if you do this. Oops, I beat the entire game in less than half of a plane ride! That’s…that’s really it, wow! It’s pretty clear why 3DO didn’t bother to spring for save batteries here. Don’t need to bother with passwords if the game is already over!
Bump the difficulty up and the game is exactly the same, only now you have to shoot first. Pardon me for saying so, but this is fucking rotten stuff. There’s more than the campaign mode to play and at no point does it ever manage anything more interesting. I could forgive misplaced ambition to a point if this port wasn’t completely devoid of it.
Tank Games are a long and storied subgenre. You ever hear of a little game called Combat? That bad boy came out in ’77 and kicks ass to this day! Everyone involved in making this mess managed to get dunked on by a game 23 years its senior. How embarrassing.
