wack game boy zone. there's a small doodle of a game boy above zone

Tag: game boy

  • Battletoads (1991)

    Battletoads (1991)

    One thing I’ve made a point of talking about elsewhere is the myth of objectivity in games criticism. Any piece of art can be critiqued with some degree of objectivity, but only to a point. In the case of video games this can mean things like dodgy framerates, reproducible bugs, dropped inputs, and so on. What you can’t quantify, and is significantly more important in an interactive medium, are the subjective elements. Gamefeel, execution of its mechanics, the quality and payoff of strategic (in this case I mean long-term planning) and tactical (short-term) decisions, and the satisfaction of performing tasks within the framework provided by the designers are just a handful of largely-if-not-totally subjective elements that carry massive weight. This is largely a matter of personal preferences, skill level, familiarity with the conventions employed, and a million other things that are a waste of time to get into here, but I think you probably get the gist.

    All of that preamble – and believe me that’s the truncated version, I could easily go on – is to say that while I can find many things worthy of praise in Battletoads (GB) on a technical, “objective” level, none of this surmounts how much I cannot fucking stand playing it. I love a good beat ’em up, and Battletoads has not and will never be a good beat ’em up.

    When you consider how early in the Game Boy’s lifespan this arrived, Rare pulled some frogdamn magic here. The sprites are massive, they animate smoothly, they use a lot of convincing faux-3D, and the performance is so much better than many games that came after it that honestly beggars belief. They even went so far as to make an entirely new set of levels here, despite the name match, that broadly work better on the Game Boy than the NES levels would! That said Rare eventually did go on to port the NES version with a different subtitle because sure, why not double dip on fucking Battletoads?

    Just…god, actually playing this thing? Sliding around everywhere? The total lack of significant animation cancels? Those awful rope sections? Obnoxious vehicle after obnoxious vehicle that all handle like a bar of soap? Having to memorize the fast sections because there’s no room for error? Bigass cartoon limbs with borderline improvised hitboxes taking half your health from nowhere? Ew. Ew. This game is fucking grimy, dog. It just feels bad in the hands, and as impressive as its technical aspects are, the bile starts bubbling up as soon as I see it in motion because that probably means I’m touching it.

    I’ll go one further. Moreso than many BEU franchises, Battletoads has a lot of defenders that are quick to get into the difficulty discourse. I’m going to head off anything git gud-adjacent at the pass with two points:

    1) I’ve already beaten Battletoads. Multiple Battletoadses. The NES one and this one. I am one of you! I still think this franchise sucks!

    2) This version? For the Game Boy? Actually pretty damn easy by comparison, barring some bits at the very end that you could just slam your continues into if you really needed. Hell, there’s an entire section in the back half where you just run from a boulder and are in basically no danger if you know what’s coming up.

    A game being challenging is a perfectly fine thing! What it isn’t is inherently virtuous. I fully understand that completing these games is a satisfying feat that comes with a side of bragging rights among those in the know, but that doesn’t make up for the game being so much worse than its contemporaries to actually play, as far as I’m concerned. Fuck the skin condition toad trio and the jet skis they rode in on. I’m glad their parents are too busy with Sea of Thieves to play with them anymore.

    2/5

  • Motocross Maniacs (1989)

    Motocross Maniacs (1989)

    Extremely funny that Konami eventually redistributed this as just “Bikers” years later. Guess the Overton Window of what qualifies as “mania” shifted from the 80s to the 90s.

    This game is basically Trials’ dad, only the courses are entirely designed around using bursts of nitro to make jumps. On a design level there is something fascinating about creating what’s essentially a platformer where hops are a limited consumable. Where do you add more? How many? How far should you be able to get without them? Do you demand perfection, or make it more of a speed game with emphasis on creative solutions and routing?

    Konami answered all of those in the following ways:

    Q: Where do you add Nitro?

    A: Almost exclusively in locations that require Nitro to reach.

    Q: How many?

    A: Enough.

    Q: How far should you be able to get without them?

    A: There will be a ramp on every level that is impassible without use of Nitro.

    Q: Perfection or creativity?

    A: Get the fuck out of our office.

    3/5

  • Mario Tennis (2000)

    Mario Tennis (2000)

    Look – I hear you. The Game Boy/GBC had so many excellent RPGs, yet my list thus far has been devoid of any. Don’t worry! I got you! First RPG down, and it’s one of the best on the system. Classic single party member ala Dragon Quest I, even! Just a bit of an unconventional battle system is all.

    My history with Mario Tennis is involved but not especially complex. I played the 64 version to death, always heard this was great, and never tried it until now. Every MT entry after the year 2000 was worse. Shame, that. Camelot, on the other hand, I have plenty of experience with, and I don’t just mean their iffier sports entries. Consider how confident they had to be to make both versions of Mario Tennis only to barely feature any Nintendo properties in one of them! That confidence is earned. Oh my god did they earn it.

    As an aside, one of my weaknesses as a reviewer is that I’m better at taking things apart than building them up. It’s easier to praise a game when you have criticisms to use as a springboard, you know? This review will likely be a bit weaker written than some of my others for this project because, spoilers, I barely have anything negative to contrast the positives with. The best I can do is note that I don’t like the font choices, or more specifically the shadows behind them, on a tiny Game Boy screen. I also find myself missing the ridiculously crunchy serve sounds from the 64 version; I swear hitting a Nice! serve in that sounds like a horse chomping into an apple. The Game Boy can’t really do that! These things don’t matter much, not really. The closest thing to a genuine issue is how the game handles leveling/stats, but I’ll talk about that later.

    This game has some of the best spritework on the entire GBC. The sprites would have been top notch on the Neo Geo Pocket Color, but they’re here! On the god damned Game Boy! Every player sprite is incredibly expressive, chock full of characterful details, to the point where they’re entertaining just to see in motion. Combine that with the smooth scrolling of the court in play and little to none of the fake 3D depth issues thanks to the immaculate spriting and lack of slowdown, and you’ve got genuinely excellent handheld tennis.

    Any game with Motoi Sakuraba music is going to be a joy for the ears and this is no exception. So many quality jams. This version’s rendition of Break Point is simpler but still gives me chills, especially when the rally goes long. Rare is the game that gives you your own boss music, but Camelot was operating on an entirely different level. Music that makes you want to black out and spike the ball directly into a child’s schnoz. Powerful stuff.

    God this game’s tennis plays so well, too. Almost everything I internalized from years of the 64 game was immediately transferable. You can steal so many points with an angled serve, drop shot, and crosscourt shot combo. Admittedly that’s true in real life too! What surprised me most in the gameplay itself isn’t its quality, it’s how different the opponents manage to feel. They nearly feel adaptive, even though I know that’s likely not the case. The way they shift to an easier center serve after hitting a fault or start running to the baseline more after getting schooled at the net feels more convincingly Tennis-y than some sim games I’ve played.

    The RPG elements are light but certainly felt. Speed ends up being the key stat because you always need to cover the court, but you will need another specialty to close out the tournament arc. Each level lets you boost one of the four areas of your game, but they often come at the expense of others, leading to some awkward break points where you’ll be more interested in what does the least harm VS boosting what you actually want. It’s not perfect, but it is interesting and forces you to adapt to your weaknesses rather than grind them all to dust. Levels don’t come the quickest from just playing matches, so after a few wins in the junior league I entered the Hyperballic Tennis Chamber that is the training building and climbed some double digit # of levels by whacking the ball into a wall 200 times. I made my PC a speed demon with a downright devious net game and my doubles partner became a nuclear gorilla who could barely move, but could plant the ball anywhere on the court at Mach 3. Not that I played much for doubles, mind. I will generally avoid having 3/4 of the game’s participants be bots if I can help it.

    In terms of escalation it goes intro, team rank/promotion arc, tournament arc, and The Post-Credits Introduction and Subsequent Destruction of Super Freakin’ Mario. Despite characters being chatty and full of personality there really isn’t much plot to speak of. I’m fine with that, to be clear! I suspect I wouldn’t be a huge fan of there being even more talking between matches. Some folks have complained about said matches being too long, which is a funny way to say you just don’t like Tennis. I do, which means I want to play the titular sport, and Camelot understood that they couldn’t have both words in the title be disingenuous.

    I do kinda love the Mario Section though. Spoilers? I guess? Do we really care? Have a courtesy warning, but I will think a smidge less of you if this is a legitimate cutoff.

    After the award ceremony ends and credits roll you find yourself back at the academy standing in the headmaster’s office. Out of absolutely nowhere he informs you of the following facts:

    • Mario exists in this setting. He has been offscreen, watching from the shadows the entire time.
    • Mario is the single greatest tennis player to ever do it.
    • Mario has taken an interest in you specifically, because your defenses are impregnable and your style is impetuous.
    • You must take a flight to Peach’s Castle immediately. The headmaster will not take No for an answer. I tried.

    Once you arrive it immediately becomes clear that you’re out of your depth. There is some kind of political situation going on, and I don’t mean the kind where the video game has women in it. The room has been split into factions, good and evil specifically, and the latter is absolutely intent on having your character play and defeat Mario on the court upon arrival as they haven’t managed to. Bizarrely, the imperial side informs the villains that Mario actually just invited your character there to chill post-tournament, which…isn’t true? As far as we know? This is clearly an attempt at deescalation, truth be damned.

    Anyway. The brothers Wa and Bowser insist that you do battle on their behalf. I accepted, of course, because I know where my loywalties lie. Mario was destroyed in straight sets and it wasn’t particularly close. The game ends abruptly afterwards, presumably due to committing the equivalent of a tennis-themed Franz Ferdinand assassination. My love of the game transcends my general aversion to causing international incidents. Obey Wario. Destroy Mario.

    4.5/5

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Back from the Sewers (1991)

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Back from the Sewers (1991)

    Let me head off a question at the pass: why this game in particular? It’s a sequel and I haven’t played the original. What gives?

    When I was a kid we had a local drug store down the street. A corner of it was eventually converted into a fairly weak video and game rental kiosk with some of the weirdest offerings you can imagine. They rented Game Boy games, which is kind of a terrible idea! My Mom was kind enough to snag a game for me to try now and then, and this was one of ’em. I played it for a weekend, got my ass beat, and we turned it in. After Cubix I figured hey, why not stop by while I was in the licensed game neighborhood?

    I’m a 90s kid, which means I was born too late to care about TMNT in its heyday and born too early to care about any of the reboots. None of these goobers mean anything to me. I don’t even know who any of these characters are beyond the titular turts and their rat dad. Apparently someone I beat to death in this was named Baxter Stockman? That’s ridiculous.

    You know what I do hold in high esteem? 90s Konami, baby. If there’s one thing you should take away from this writeup, let it be that this game’s soundtrack is yet another collection of impossibly catchy drumlines and kinetic treble. No other company of this era was so reliably producing 8 bit jams that make you want to beat the shit out of people like Konami. I have a working theory that they’re going to end up being one of my favorite entertainment conglomerates as I keep playing these. There are other games of theirs on this confounded handheld device that I already know to be bangers, and I haven’t even played GBC Metal Gear Solid.

    I’ve gotten this far in and I haven’t even talked about the game itself yet. This is for a very simple reason: there’s not a lot to talk about. This is a pretty middling arcade-style beat ’em up, and by that I mean it’s full of sequences that feel like they’re more designed to munch quarters than provide much for challenge. It’s not excruciatingly hard, though the last level’s a bit of a bastard. Instead the anchor around your neck will be those shell boys kind of sucking at this whole “ninja” thing.

    All 4 turtles are playable here, only differentiated by their weapons on account of the lack of color. Donatello’s stick is the best one and it isn’t particularly close. Barely any non-boss enemies have more than 1 HP, so the extra reach and slower swing speed is basically never a drawback. By contrast we have Raphael, who attacks with a dinner fork and cannot be bothered to extend his arm past 90 degrees. He just does high speed curls with the damn things and that makes him almost useless against bosses, who get i-frames after each hit. I ended up using him a lot, not because I liked him, but specifically because I hated him and used him to eat damage while scouting new levels instead of the boys I actually wanted to use.

    Bizarrely, these heavy shell-havers are amazing jumpers and awful walkers. Note that I said “walk”, not run. You don’t do that here. Every level that isn’t an autoscroller is paced at a slow trudge, frequently flipping back and forth to slap baddies on both sides. There is an interesting mechanical detail where you can hit left or right while swinging and the hitbox remains active, which you’ll need to get the hang of immediately because this game constantly throws dudes at you from all directions. This is, unsurprisingly, easiest to accomplish with Don’s bigass stick.

    The levels themselves are reasonably varied, but that doesn’t go far when the challenge mostly ramps up by way of just putting more shit on the screen. Why are there so many chompy robot dogs and Chopping Mall drones endlessly streaming out of every crevice? Konami knew damn well what they were doing too. So many sections end with an apology ‘za, often obtained by interrupting a goon’s succulent Italian meal with a stabbing. In true beat’emup tradition it can be completed hitless through liberal applications of jumpkick, but the margins are razor thin. I did no such thing. Shit, I popped two continues on the last level (which just dumps you back to the start, but like hell I was starting over to keep my score) because I never got the hang of not getting shot in the head by turrets. Raph’s just gonna stay in jail forever, and frankly that just means more pizza for the turtles that matter.

    2.5/5

  • Cubix: Robots For Everyone – Race ‘N Robots (2001)

    Cubix: Robots For Everyone – Race ‘N Robots (2001)

    I’m being informed by The Board that it is too late to get my domain fees back for this website. My request and its subsequent rejection were the result of the realization that I will have to play so much licensed trash. This was an era where most were farmed out to studios that were geared for speed and quantity. Not all of them could be Acclaim!

    In what must have been some sort of cosmic joke on the whole of South Korea, Cinepix ended up having 3DO publish the adaptations of their ReBoot-looking-ass cartoon. 3DO promptly went into its death throes, though not before coughing out a second Cubix game and one last Army Men spinoff. I’d like to think the show itself was somehow responsible, like a particularly shitty Ring situation with a much longer turnaround. “You will die in 547 days” just isn’t quite as haunting.

    Can you tell I don’t want to talk about this? C: RFE – R’NR’s most notable quality is that horrendous acronym. What do you want me to say about a Micro Machines clone this lousy? I whipped my fat metal bee around corners for a total of about half an hour, and a dozen races later I was informed that I was Number One Super The Best at doing so. The closest thing to an interesting design decision is the game’s item system. If you touch a blue balloon you immediately get a powerup. If you touch a red one the game kicks your robot in the lugnuts. Cool! Good! Cool and good!

    Cubix is nothing. This is a nothing game for a nothing property made by a soon-to-be-nothing publisher and flashed onto nothing cartridges that are now so cheap they see use as wall insulation. Every party involved accomplished more interesting things than this. 3DO’s history is so long and storied that I can’t even get into it here, Cinepix got to work on an Appleseed adaptation, and did you know Blitz Games is also at fault for Fuzion Frenzy? I’d say that explains a lot if I knew what the fuck that explained. Maybe they just hated video games and mirth.

    1.5/5